First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
