my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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