Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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