Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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