I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Randomize
