Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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