i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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