I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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