I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
