I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
