There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
