if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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