he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
