Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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