Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
