if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
