You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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