Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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