I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
