I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
