i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
