it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
