I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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