He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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