Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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