Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
