When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
