At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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