cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
