you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
