The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Vodka?
Forever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
