But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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