I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Come share oat with me in your robe
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
