Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
