my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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