I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
