areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
