apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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