Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
