Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
