What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
