I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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