so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
