our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
