I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
