We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
