i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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