Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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