I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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