____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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