T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
