just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
