Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
