Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
