Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
