Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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