I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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