Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
